Heartbeat. i dont know what this is missing....

[××Eris××]

k so i have written this poem because i felt like it and He is amazing and deserves it. but i dont know what it is mizzing.. help!! if you vote, please comment below ane explain your reason with that vote.

oh i've been daydreamin'.....
oh he keeps my heart beatin'.....

oh i've been thinkin'
'bout that smile.
'bout those eyes.
'bout his lips on mine.

oh i've been daydreamin'....
oh he keeps my heart beatin'....

oh i've been thinkin'
'bout that hair.
'bout that voice.
'bout our hands intertwined.

oh i've been daydreamin'....
oh he keeps my heart beatin'....

oh he is all i need.
oh he is all i want.
oh he is everythin'....

[LoveOnHerArms]

its really good but it needs somthing i gust dont know what

[××Eris××]

ys i feel the same way.. i dont know what it needs and it is just irking me

[Guest]

I think its good, sounds almost like a song. I say you should keep righting more, if you want.....*sniff* a cat is attacking my foot....awkward

[LoveOnHerArms]

yea it does sound like a song hmmmmmmmmmm i got nothin

[Guest]

yea lol

[××Eris××]

how about changing it to this:

oh i've been daydreamin'
oh you keep my heart beatin'.....

oh i've been thinkin'
'bout that smile.
'bout those eyes.
'bout your lips on mine.

oh i've been daydreamin'
oh you keep my heart beatin'....

oh i've been thinkin'
'bout that hair.
'bout that voice.
'bout our hands intertwined.

oh i've been daydreamin'
oh you keep my heart beatin'....

oh baby i've been thinkin,
i've been thinkin'
'bout you

[LoveOnHerArms]

wow thats great! it sound more like a song haha i gust tryed singing it and it was good xD

[Guest]

Yea it is really good!

[××Eris××]

ok but here is another edit.

oh i've been daydreamin'.....
oh you keep my heart beatin'.....

oh i've been thinkin'
'bout that smile.
'bout those eyes.
'bout your lips on mine.

oh i've been daydreamin'....
oh you keep my heart beatin'....

oh i've been thinkin'
'bout that hair.
'bout that voice.
'bout our hands intertwined.

oh i've been daydreamin'....
oh you keep my heart beatin'....

oh you are all i need.
oh you are all i want.
oh you are everything....

oh i've been daydreamin'
oh you keep my heart beatin'.....

oh baby i've been thinkin,
i've been thinkin'
'bout you

so should this be the finished product?

[LoveOnHerArms]

oooooooooo i love it! = )

[Guest]

Really good!!

[××Eris××]

k so i put that one on deviantart. i like it better now lol

[LoveOnHerArms]

cool!

[Guest]

awesome!!!

[Saviour]

love it!! you should make it into a song.. oh ive been daydreamin... lol I love it your good!!!

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