A story I'm working on, no title yet, please critique :)

[Saviour]

Snake
http://www.strangecosmos.com/images/content/141940.jpg
Tabitha when she is older
http://geirahod.deviantart.com/art/Girl-with-red-hair-137135185?q=boost%3Apopular%20red%20head%20girl&qo=1
Cristyn is her sister, Keneth is her brother

“Get the ball, Tabbi!” Cristyn called from her position on the far side of the lawn. I turn around petulantly and walk towards the fence, bounding over the top railing gracefully and landing with a soft thud. I skip towards the tree line, pausing when I reach the edge and peering uneasily into the dense, dark forest. “I don’t see it!” I call over my shoulder, only earning Cristyn’s command to go further. Obeying, I brush aside a big, glossy leaf and place a tennis shoe on the blanket of dead leaves and dirt. Then I saw it. The white soccer ball lay just under the shadow of a maple tree sapling. Renewed after seeing it within arm’s length, I crouch down and stretch a small, ten year old arm towards the ball. A silent motion caught my attention and I froze. Arm outstretched and eyes trained on the snake. It was unlike any I had seen before. It was small, pure white, and had the bluest of eyes. It was ice cold as it pressed its belly against my arm and up towards my shoulder. I felt goosebumps rise where it touched me. Then, in the blink of an eye, it twisted and sunk its long fangs into my arm. Pervading my skin and causing a burning pain. Still, however, I could do nothing more than flinch. It calmly slid to the ground, then up a tree, and only when it was out of sight could I move again. “Tabbi?” My brother’s concern rang through in his quiet voice. I started, then and grabbed the ball. “Found it” I say, voice sounding like nothing had happened. The crimson ribbon stained down my arm, but I pulled my sleeves down so it covered the bite. “Here,” I say and push the ball toward him. He took it. “I think I’m going to get a glass of water” I say. He nods a reply and jogs back to the backyard, continuing the game of soccer with my sister, Cristyn. Instead of getting a glass of water, I walked quickly to the bathroom and locked the door behind me. I slip from my shirt and toss it to the side. I then looked at the bite. The blood had disappeared and all that remained was a simple dark scar. My eyebrow dipped slightly in confusion. How was it already closed? I run my fingers over the two dark spots, but it was completely healed. I shift nervously at the strange occurrences and look down at my shirt. There was no blood. With a quick motion, I pull my shirt back on and walk into the kitchen. Cristyn squealed when my brother, Keneth, stole a goal. I cringe. ”keep it down!” I snap. Did she have to be so loud? With a sigh, I reach into the cupboard and pull out a glass. It collides with another and rings. The sound screamed into my ear and hurt. The glass slips from my hands and shatters on the tile floor. My knees buckle, and I grab my stomach. Suddenly I felt nauseous and weak. My mother’s hands touched mine, but after that I passed out.

I could hear my brother’s ambiguous speaking when I came to. The light seemed incredibly bright, and a groan escaped my lips. I roll onto my stomach and rub my eye. “Turn off the light” I say, my voice was dry and rough. It felt like an inferno inside the room. “Tabitha?” My mother’s sweet voice was rich as caramel as she kneeled beside the bed. “What?” I snap. My head hurt and I didn’t feel like doing anything but sleeping. “Are you alright?” She asked. I open one eye to glare at her “It’s hot in here, my head hurts, and it sounds like you’re screaming into my ear. No, I’m not alright” I retort, rolling over again to see my brother and Cristyn. I sigh heavily. “Can I just get some sleep?” I whine and turn onto my back, watching the lazy fan as it spun steadily on the ceiling. Keneth shook his head and stood up “I’ll get you a washcloth” he says and steps out of the room. I close my eyes. I heard mom and my sister leave the room, and finally it was quiet. I take a heavy breath. I felt a relieving cool cloth on my forehead and look over to see Keneth. “Thanks” I manage and take the cloth for myself. That small movement caused one of the most intense pains I had ever felt. Topping the time I fell off the playground at recess and broke my wrist. I wince and close my eyes. Next I heard Keneth’s receding footfalls and then silence.

~Six Years Later, Tabbi is 16~

The smile that spread across my soft features was timid, but strong all the same. It was nearing the end of the year, nine days left in fact, and I couldn't help the thrum of excitement that coursed through my pale skin. I was an outcast, but after that curious day when my life was flip-flopped, I preferred to keep to myself. The little information I gathered from my new life was that I had very keen senses, a strange interest in snakes, and I healed abnormally fast. For this reason, I avoided thick brush and bright lights. I was somewhat used to the chaos of my life now, and could deal with noises like bells or artificial lighting. My favorite time was night, however, and that was when I was most comfortable with wandering the streets and forest. Five, I thought as I glanced at the clock. Five minutes until I could escape this jail. My language teacher didn't stir to let us pack up, though, so I sat still and watched the thinnest arrow twitch around the analog clock. "Pssst" I jumped at the sound and looked behind me. "Hey, um, I was wondering if you could help me out on my math after school.... I know you aren't the type of person to want to help me... Not that you're rude..." Jessica, or Jess, stumbled over her words as though picking them right off her tongue and scrambling to bring them back. I roll my eyes and face forward again. Three more minutes I say after checking the clock. "Seriously though, I really need your help." The muscle along my jaw rippled as I clench my teeth and take a heavy breath. "I'd rather not" I say quickly, my voice high but soft. "Please" She pressed. Turning around to face her, I was prepared to tell her to leave me alone. After all, she wasn't the nicest person around and was one of the 'Popular Pack'. However, the desperation in her eyes made me think twice. "Fine. But don't think I'm your friend" I say with a slight stutter, then look back at the circular clock. Just then the bell rings and I start at the loud sound, usually it didn't bother me but today I wasn't expecting it. I hastily gathered my things and stuffed them into my backpack. "Thanks," I heard a small voice say from behind "Do you want to stop by my house or me at yours?" She inquired. "Yours" I say and sling my bag onto my right shoulder. She nods and turns around toward the double doors of the school. I follow without a word, biting my tongue to avoid doing anything else that might make me the laughing stock of the school again. We reached her neighborhood and she wandered up a driveway that led to a large, nicely kept house. When we reached her door, she politely opened it for me and I silently stepped onto the clean tile floor. A cool draft crept around me, causing me to pull my arms closer to my body out of instinct. “Go ahead and have a seat” Her small, melodic voice chirped from behind me. I look back to see her motioning to a very plush chair that was positioned before a small coffee table. I nod and set my bag down beside the chair I sat in. She then wandered off into what I assumed was the kitchen. “Would you like something to drink? We have soda, tea, or water?” She offers, but I shake my head slowly. “No, thank you” I respond before pulling out the notes I had taken for math during class. I hear a slight twinkling of a glass cup and the hum of the freezer. A few heavy footfalls later and she sat down beside me, a full glass of a brown soda in her spidery grasp. “So, where do you want to start?”I ask her, flipping to the most recent page of my notes. She makes a small, unattractive, snorting sound in her throat before setting her drink down. “Are you kidding me? I didn’t really want your help on math”, she starts “I just wanted to talk to you about your brother.”She says with a sly grin. A frown spread across my face, starting at my lips and cheeks and ending in my eyes. “So you lied to me”, I say with a hint of disgust “to get me to tell you things about my brother because you like him?” I say, adding a small chortle to the end. I stand up abruptly and push my notebook back into my rustic brown backpack. “Wait! Seriously I need your help!” She says and grabs my arm. I twist my arm out of her grasp and turn to glare at her “I knew I shouldn’t have wasted my time here” I sneer and walk towards her overly large front door. I touch the handle, then turn to face her. “Thanks for inviting me” I say jokingly before opening her door and shutting it behind me. As I start down the sidewalk I sling my backpack over my left shoulder and shove my hands into my front pockets. I was frustrated at myself, partly for caring about her tricking me, and partly for trusting her in the first place. With a grimace on my face, I take the shorter route to my home that led through the weeds and grass. I was almost halfway home when a twitch of movement made me stop dead in my tracks. I glance to my left, and then to my right before spotting the serpentine creature. It was a large pit viper, whose eyes were a dark mossy green and body was a dull brown. They weren’t common in this area. I drop my backpack at my side and bend down in my dark skinny jeans. My off-white blouse fluttered at the movement and hung low to show my brown undershirt. The snake turned to face me and flicked its soft pink tongue in my direction. Lowering my hand, I gently grasp the thickest part of the creature and pull it towards my body. It coiled comfortably around my pale shoulder and huddle close to the warmth of my body. Its coolness relieved my tempered mind, and it seemed to like resting on my shoulders. I pick up my bag and stroke the rough scales of the creature as I meandered home.





[ Critique? ]

[Nicoco177]

are you gonna continue? coz i love it!

[Saviour]

The additions I add are going to be just as an edit

[Guest]

I like it so far, you should continue.

[themagus]

'To be continued'?
Because i like it.

[Guest]

Maybe you should call it something like Snake girl/women?

[Saviour]

Thanks

I will continue whenever I have a considerable amount to post

In the meantime, do you have any critiques for my writing? I really want to become better at my style >___<

[Saviour]

All right I added

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